Opening Credits

As I was driving home on Friday, I heard a traffic report from our local traffic-chopper-guy noting that a Christmas tree was causing a good deal of trouble on Interstate 35 here in KC. I chuckled at this because (1) its pretty late in the January to still be getting rid of the holiday decorations and (2) the weather we've been having made me imagine several cars swerving and honking over Perry Como singing "Winter Wonderland".

In my mind, this last bit looked like the opening sequence of a movie during the executive producer and casting credits. The only question at that point was what kind of movie it was. Since holiday movies are a hobby of mine, I decided that this particular opening could be the start of several different films.

Romantic Comedy
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This is the story of Person #1 ... (a dog lover who loves Christmas but is slightly stressed over the demands of the holidays). Person #1 loses the tree on her way home from volunteering because a mischevious santa-like tree salesman only tied it down well enough to make it to their appointment with destiny - a.k.a Person #2 ... (who we will find is a slightly bitter 30-something professional with a overly developed sense of humbug). The goood news is that Mr humbug once had a Christmas-puppy, so after a few snow-dusted dates ... and a misunderstanding about a Person #1's possible x-lover that turns out to be a sibling (or gay friend) ... the happy couple can find joy - and love together.


Lifetime Drama
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When Meredith Baxter Birney hits a Christmas tree while swerving to avoid an acident, it's just the begining of a terrible day. Not only does she have tinsel on her bumper ... she has egg on her face. Her husband (Judge Reinhold) can be seen from the road kissing his secretary/business partner/student/half-sister and it just gets messy from there. Lot's of Christmas decorations get smashed and or burned (along with some golf clubs). Still there is reason to celebrate when Meredith and her adult daughter, Melissa Gilbert, are able to agree (while volunteering), that all men are pigs ..... except Bruce Boxleitner.

Science Fiction
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When Jeff Goldblum volunteers to drives his Mom's free-range Christmas tree to the local conservation pond to be used as part of a fish habitat, he swerves to miss a strangely limping park ranger dragging a deer accross the road. When the tree lands on the ranger, Jeff hops out to assist, but finds a green glow in the dead man's eyes (and some human bite-marks on the deer). It turns out that ranger was dead .... sort of .... but walking around under the power of an alien force. The incecticide-free evergreen needles seemed to have reversed the effect .... so Jeff works with NASA, The Teamsters, and The Forrest service to kick some alien butt.

Action Thriller
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Volunteer department store Santa Ben Affleck/Bruce Willis (depending on the decade) ..... santa suits ..... high-speed chases ..... lots of bullets ..... terrorist threat .... non-plot-related slutty stewardess/waitress/nurse ... and lots of Jerry Bruckheimer explosions. Oh, yeah .... and a tree.


Horror
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About 10 years ago, Tommy got attacked by a creep in a Santa suit while he was volunteering at the local Christmas tree lot. Now, after running into a gigantic tree on his way home from graduate school, Tommy is freaking out because cheerleaders, little kids, and old ladies (but mostly cheerleaders) are getting the plum pudding beat out of them and have been found all over town with a stake of holly shoved through their heart. Big shocker ... Tommy's the one that should be on the naughty list ... and as he slowly figures it out, it dosen't look too good for Suzy his ex-cheerleader high school girlfriend. Still she manages to push him off a cliff in the end ... impaling him on an evergreen branch.


Family Drama
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New Year's Eve: The tree falling off the back of the rusty pickup prompts a well dressed man - with red hair and glasses - to pull the tree out of the road. As he does, he notices a letter to Santa rolled up in the branches. ........

Flash Back - Christmas Eve: Daddy is out of work, so the scraggly tree we see him bring home from the lot (after volunteering) is the last reject that nobody wanted. Still, we know that this is a special tree because Timmy/Sarah (the sick but wise 9-year old red-head) decorates it while the rest of the family is carroling. He/She would have loved to be singing with the family but is still trying to brighten their spirits for what may be their last Christmas together. We get to see the note to Santa slipped into the tree just before the family returns. Timmy/Sarah takes a turn for the worse on Christmas morning and the gifts stay wrapped. The week is filled with tears and visits from friends, neighbors, and the crochety land-lord (who threatens to evict the family on new year's day if the rent isn't paid).

As the new year approaches, dad goes into a gentle rage and rips all the decorations down and drives them to the dump, he doesn't seem to notice that the tree has fallen out of the truck - or the owner of the sleek Jaguar that pulls over to move it. Now that we are full circle, we can learn that glasses-guy is dad's estranged brother driving through town after years in the Peace Corp (apparently making lots of money) He's a doctor and knows just how to get Timmy/Sarah well. Its a good thing that the return address was on Santa's letter - or he might never of found his childhood home .... or been able to buy it from the land-lord.


....did I leave any genre of holiday movie out?