Identity

All 5 of the people that are likely to read this know, I'm a bit of a super hero fan. Not a "I still have Batman pajamas and live in my parent's basement" fan; but enough that I enjoy all the Marvel movie crossovers and have a fully formed opinion on which Robin was best.  I don't mean who portrayed the best Robin on screen - but which of the 6 actual characters to wear the Robin costume (in the Primary DC Universe) was the best side-kick to Bruce Wayne.

I'm guessing that last bit lost over half of my potential audience - but for both of you that are still reading, I'll say this.  I've been thinking a lot about who we are and how it relates to how others see us.  I've worn several identities as an adult (thankfully none have required tights) but I'm having some questions about what I'm made up of and what matters.

Back in the 80's there was a half hour TV show called Light Music that played Christian Music videos that I taped off late night cable and would watch over and over (lots of Amy Grant's 'Lead Me On' and Michael W. Smith's 'Secret Ambition').  Often, the host - Tom Green I think - would have an artist on to interview and ask them to play.  One otherwise completely forgettable guy:  Michael Kelly Blanchard, played a song called 'The Trouble With Me' and I've never forgotten it (well at least not the chorus) ...

There is no sorrow that God cannot heal
There is no damage he didn't feel
Moment by moment He's there where you hide
Tenderly holding you close, as you cry
Jesus the Lord of the lonely inside
Jesus the Lord of all love - crucified.

As a teenager, I hadn't yet grown into the wonderfully self-actualized person I am today; so the song was a profound statement to me:  I could be lonely and still be loved.  And what did I do with that knowledge?  I lied about having written it myself to try and impress a girl.

I've always been a little fake - craving acceptance - and there have been many times that I can look back and see that I was actually more of a loser - less accepted because of my mask.  As I grew older though, I'm (humbly) happy to say I'm a lot more of who I really am.  More concerned citizen than masked pseudo vigilante.  Still, I see so much of my identity wrapped up in who I am publicly:  what I do for a living, what ministry I'm involved in or had oversight of ... yes, even what sort of special hat I wore with my special uniform.

I mention those 3 in particular since all those things "went away" over the last 2 years.  In July 2012, I stood on a hill with a bunch of other guys and told God that He could have my job, my church involvement, even the one thing I ever felt called to do - everything that made me "who I was" if He wanted something different - and it seems He took me up on it.

Our family has been blessed in many ways through the changes and although there have been some tough moments and some sad times, I truly see the providence in our move.  It makes sense on paper and in so many other ways and we are all growing and might I say even healthier - but I've been feeling like I hung up my cape ... I'm no longer a "super".

But it's not about me ... and maybe that's the point.

1 John 4:4 doesn't just mean that He is greater than he that is in the world.  He has to also be greater than ME too.

Recently I've been reading a series of kids book ... and while that's not exactly new for me, something in the story is.  The 'Wingfeather Saga' by Andrew Peterson has a lot in common with other YA fiction plus a few surprises.  In addition to good parents that are actually alive (sort of) and actively parenting their kids, the books also put a wrinkle in the Hero's Journey - the Throne Warden.

As the eldest of three siblings, Janner Igiby finds out that his parents are actually displaced royalty and he is in fact ... NOT going to be king.  His little brother is.  As the oldest, his job is to protect and advise the king; he is the Throne Warden.  Throughout the story, Janner has to set aside what he wants (i.e. joining the bookbinder guild and becoming a librarian's apprentice) so that he can protect his brother who's likely to get beat up in the warrior guild.

... Some of you wish I would go back to Batman references ...

The lesson I'm learning, is that I can't just be a servant-leader in the stuff I like or even the stuff I feel I'm qualified to do.  I'm called to that in all of my life and haven't been doing it very well - in fact the Identities I have been using may have been just covering up real problems.  Maybe I haven't lost who I was ... maybe now I'm just out of uniform enough to find out who that is.